Before I slept at 10pm last night, I checked my Facebook and saw that I was tagged by a friend in a post. I looked at it and saw that it was a link to an article in the Huffington Post about bee venom and how they discovered that it could kill the HIV Virus. I was floored. I read it immediately.
You can read it here: Huffington Post: Bee Venom Kills HIV.
I was dumbstruck, really. Is it happening? Is it really happening? Is the cure not far behind? This comes after the news report of a baby in Mississippi who was cured of the HIV virus. Things are coming into a head. There is a horizon, all of a sudden and I might actually still be alive when they make the necessary advancements to save my life from having to live with HIV.
Not that I need saving, really. I’ve adjusted pretty well, I think. I had two or three serious scares and almost lost my life but I’m back on track and I’m back in the safety zone, really. I have suffered no discrimination and I’ve been fortunate enough to be of sufficient means to take care of myself. I didn’t need saving, really. But there it is. I could be cured. If they make leaps and bounds and make it affordable, I could be cure. I don’t have to be a person living with HIV.
My mind is all over the place. Is this really it? Is this happening?
I’m conflicted about this, though. I have said before that the cure isn’t important. What’s important is that we curb the behaviour of people that puts them at risk. HIV is merely a symptom of a greater danger — the fact that we don’t care about our health and about the health of the people around us. That’s the real problem. If there is a cure, are we going to continue in this road that we’ve been on? Rampant sex with no regard for the other?
I’ve lead a very promiscuous life. I regret it. I had to get HIV to realise that I wasn’t taking care of myself and of the people around me. After years of playing the field, I realised that it was symptomatic of not loving myself; my debauched lifestyle. Sex was one way I could feel better about myself.
I’ve redefined sex, for me, as I got older. Sex is really an expression of our love. If love is not involved, it isn’t meaningful. And that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve grown to want — meaningful sex. This is what I want to impart. This is what I hope to get people to understand. By solving this, by dealing with this, we can stop HIV from spreading.
And now there is the possibility of a cure. And that scares me. Because now, people would be more and more unafraid to get into bed with just anybody. And that scares me.
But like I said, I’m conflicted. Because when I read the article, I was so happy. I was so unbelievably happy because, well, then it’ll all be over. I’ll be back to being normal. I’ll be back to being like everybody else. I’ll have the same worries and the same fears as everybody else. I won’t have restrictions and I won’t have to take so much medicine.
I feel like such a hypocrite. I said, “the cure isn’t important” but now that it might be coming soon, I can’t wait to take it. I can’t wait to stand in line and receive it.
I’m such a hypocrite. I feel ashamed. But that’s it, really. That’s the bottom line.
Welcome to the 21st Century, Wanggo. What you say and what you do are two totally different things, apparently.