This is my third day without cigarettes and my throat is on fire. I am going crazy and all I can think about is put on some decent clothes, run downstairs and buy a pack of cigarettes. They even sell a ten pack cigarette case. It’s half a pack on its own. I don’t have to fully relapse. I can just have one or two and that will be it fine.
Yeah, right! That’s how you stay addicted.
I came down with the flu and have been battling with it for days now. I haven’t been sick very often and when I get sick, it’s like major, I-go-to-the-hospital-and-fight-for-my-life sort of visit. So I am sort of down on the dumps and am taking five more pills than my usual thirteen a day. Life with HIV is SO complicated, let me tell you.
But because of my scratchy throat and my coughing, I have decided to use this as a perfect jumping point to stop smoking. I could never just stop. I’d have to get really sick that I wouldn’t want to smoke because just the idea of it made me nauseous. The last time that happened, I found out I had meningitis again. My second bout. The one I almost died from.
I’m hoping this isn’t meningitis and already, I’m on the third day of my new medication and I’m feeling much, much better. My cough is almost non-existent and I’m not dripping snot all over the place.
But what I do want, right now, is a cigarette. I’m dying to light up and have a drag but I know that if I do that, I’ll just go back to the old drawing board and I don’t want to do it. The SIN Tax has passed and cigarettes have gone up by double their price and there is no way I am spending that much money on a pack of cigarettes. No way. It is now or never. I have to quit now while I have this perfect lead start.
I can tell this is going to be severe and tough but I got to be strong and hope to God I can get through this. I am hoping my body is going to get stronger soon and I can go back to barre and get some exercise going because once I get some exercise in, I am sure my body will be thankful for the clean oxygen entering my system.
But as it is, I’m still very weak from the flu and my Dad is kind of pissed at me for doing barre when I wasn’t feeling a hundred percent and he blames it (and my need to be fit and active) at getting the flu. Of course, it doesn’t matter that so many other people have gotten the flu, people who are negative and who are athletes; it doesn’t matter that it is a bug that is going around and that the last few bugs that were going around, they caught and I didn’t.
I want to get back to being active and I want to strengthen my stamina and my endurance and smoking is going to get in the way of all of this. Considering that I am trying to be healthy and I’m trying to tell people to be healthy and smart, I have to make the necessary adjustments to make myself more credible in that regard, right?
So God give me strength. Right now, I am so stressed out that I could kill someone, really. I could just lose my shit and kill someone for a cigarette.