As I am wont to do, I go back to my old blog posts from days of yore to see how much I’ve changed (and to see how much I haven’t changed) and while I’m not as whiny and as frustrating or emotional as I used to be, there is still aspects of it that resonate with me. Most of the time, I cringe over what I had written before. How could I have been so self-possessed and so self-absorbed? And what happened when I didn’t matter so much and stopped taking myself so seriously?
It’s that, that I really want to hold on to: that moment when I stopped taking myself so seriously and stopped taking everything so seriously. I’m looking for that memory because, one day I’m sure, I’m going to need it again.
But I found this blog entry on my first blog, the one that spans from November, 2003 all the way until March, 2005. It was called The Flight of the Rocketman. I think it’s me at my most amateur of writing proficiency and extremely hungry for attention. I was extremely self-absorbed at this time and extremely self-possessed. It makes my head dizzy just reading through it.
No, I’m not the same person I was eight years ago and I will forever be grateful for that. I wish I could have been born thirty years old, like Athena coming out of Zeus’ head fully grown. I had pretty much wasted my youth. Yeah, I have fabulous stories to tell. They make people laugh. The truth is I’m still picking up the pieces.
On this particular entry from August 26, 2004, I talk about how I told someone that “I am an experience.” Back in 2004, I think that was such a big claim. I was talking out of my ass back then. Maybe until now. But I think, after all that I’ve been through, if I had said it today, there’d be more truth to the declaration than if I had said it back then.
Here it is, in all its typographical errors and it’s horrendous self-absorbed and self-possessed glory.
The only thing that makes Reality different is that there’s no background music. — texted to me by my good friend (with a disclaimer: overheard from a friend)
Sometimes you can find yourself balancing on the edge of a knife. You don’t know where you will fall, to which side. Sometimes, all you want is to go through and be cut in half. Have one side fall on the right and the other side fall on the left. Sometimes you wish you could be two people at once and have all the different kinds of qualities so you can be who you have to be with people.
But since that cannot be the case all the time; I’ve decided to be the most of what I am. To be true to myself and be that way with everyone I meet. Who I am at full force, no hold’s barred, in-your-face and all the way at a hundred percent. That’s how I am. That’s what I am. To feel me filtered in by sensitivity, would only be getting half of the experience.
I was talking to someone and I had said, “I am an experience.” It is a rather arrogant thing to say, but it is true, I’d like to believe. I am passionate. I take everything seriously. Even joking around, I take that seriously. I am always burning at full intensity. I don’t move, I fly. I am animated when I talk and when I dream. I act things out. I sing really loudly even if I know I don’t have a good voice. I say my opinions and I stand by them unless I lose the argument, unless you can convince me that I am wrong. And then I will admit it.
In this way, I am a force of nature. I am, as I was called, an “irresistable force.” I am an experience. Communicating with me, dealing with me, being around me is something that must be experienced. I am unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. I am like no one else in this world.
I am an experience. I am almost an abstract thought. But I am definitely something to be reckoned with… Unless you feel prepared, strong, tough, ready… I don’t suggest you stand before me. You will only reel from my presence.