The Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster

We could not find the ideal partner

for Frankenstein’s Monster

so we had to build her from scratch.


Frankie M had a tendency of running away,

so she needed to be fast,

so we put wheels where her feet should be.

Found them in a junkyard,

taken off a broken kid’s scooter.

They turn just fine but make a squeaking sound

at full speed.


We made her spine out of a retractable ladder.

He’s tall and she should be tall

when he’s feeling good

but she will have to shrink

when he’s in one of his moods.


We got the legs from that Victoria Secret model

who had a skiing accident last winter.

She didn’t want to see them again

and let them go for free.


We weren’t so lucky with the arms

so we had them sculpted out of alabaster

by that new artist whose all the rage right now

and is selling for over a million overseas.

His work is crap, really,

but it’s artistic, or so the press says.

He did it for free because he owes me one.


We found all the internal organs in a butcher shop

and found a mini-refrigerator on sale

and shut it inside, locked it, and threw away

the key.


We found the head

that resembled the first girl Frankie M

has ever loved.

I like the one we chose

because she’s got nice eyes

and a warm smile.

Nothing at all like Frankie M’s

more recent conquests.

This one you can take home to mom.


The things we have to do

to find the perfect girl

for all our friends like Frankie M.

The list of qualities he looks for in a girl;

it’s over two pages long,

with footnotes and annotations.

A girl like that only exists

in the dark corners of his mind.


It’s hard work,

creating a bride from raw material,

second hand goods,

and bargain items from wherever.

But it is easier

than trying to teach Frankie M

a thing or two about falling in love.




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