I think my review for Juice.ph of The Perks of Being a Wallflower: Front and Center is not my best movie review. I think I was gushing too much and I connected so much to the film because it spoke about so many things in my life that it resonated with me and it totally discombobulated my thinking process. I was just gushing and overly praising it. And it’s embarrassing because I just said that I didn’t want to do that; I said that in the review. God! I’m such a sap.
I bought the soundtrack off of iTunes and made the mistake of listening to it while on the MRT on my way home from a meeting. It was a good meeting. I’ve actually been asked to do a hosting job. Like how did that happen? But I got it and it’s because I love movies so much. Well, feeling good, I thought, I could handle it. I played the soundtrack of The Perks of Being a Wallflower on my iPod and the songs were bringing back images of the film in my head. When Heroes played by David Bowie, I was teary-eyed and shaking. I must’ve looked like a total crazy person on the train.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
Lucky enough, I got home pretty much unscathed. I got a phone call from a really good friend of mine, Eunice, and we just started talking and I was able to unload more of my feelings to her. It never occurred to me that I could do that with her. We were always such good friends. I didn’t think she’d be open to hearing me being all vulnerable and weak. In our relationship, I was always the stronger one, the port when her life gets all stormy and her ship needs someplace safe to anchor.
I don’t think I’ve cultivated in my friendships a chance for me to be weak. I’ve always been told that when I was vulnerable or down, my friends usually told me: “Stop it. You’re not like this. Get over it. Just move on.” They can’t take it. Or they don’t want it and except for my sister, I’ve never really shown how dark I can get. By the time I open up to people, I’ve gone through it alone and always made light of my darkness and sad moments.
I didn’t want to burden others with my problems. In doing so, I never cultivated it as part of my relationships. This is a major cause of my loneliness. I am loved. I am sought out for my “great company” but I cannot be dark. I cannot be weak.
But these past few days, I’ve discovered I have friends who don’t mind this other side of me. Cez, Eunice, and my sister (even though she’s in LA). My Dad, surprisingly enough. It’s so strange. When I hit thirty, I thought I had already put people in their proper place in my life. The unnecessary ones I had removed and I have let go of the relationships that do not work. I did not think, that at thirty-three, I had to do another re-categorizing of the people around me.
This is going to be an on-going process. But I’m up for it.
Like I told Eunice yesterday, “What is the point of feeling this and learning all this about myself if I were just to sleep and wake up and do as I have always done? What’s the point of learning if you don’t change and make things better?” I’m so used to my comfort zones and I can be so convincing, most especially to myself, to keep things the way they are.
Yesterday, I tweeted: You better be good to yourself. This wasn’t some passive aggressive tweet to someone in particular. This was a tweet to myself.
It’s so strange that you have to remind yourself to do so. Like, it doesn’t come naturally.
Not for me, anyway. I’ve always put others ahead of myself. I was hoping that by doing so, people would put me ahead of themselves and it would be a communal, mutual thing. The smart ones never do. The smart ones think that you’d be smart enough, as well, to put yourself ahead. And I started hanging around the smart ones.
It is time to follow suit. I better be good to myself. I cannot and should not expect others to do it for me.
I think I have exhausted everyone’s patience on my soul-searching and affectations after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It’s time to move on, at least here in my blog. The process is on-going. But it’s done up here. Maybe I’ll have one more after reading the book. I have a strange feeling that it’s going to get me again. But if I’m going to do this, let this change me, because it is good for me, then I have to. But I don’t have to let anybody else suffer with entry after entry about Wallflower this and Wallflower that.
At least for this blog, the drama is over. Back to your regular programming tomorrow.