getting my shape right (old blog entry)

Woke up to the sound of some nearby building’s generator humming loudly and disturbing my sleep. I slept so late last night working that I thought I was going to sleep through until late afternoon. But there’s still so much to do.

I don’t even have the will to get down and write about it. Not another dark, sad, angry poem. Where are the rainbows and the sunshine and the unicorns?

Instead, I took a peek at my old blog that is still alive somewhere just to remind myself that I’ve changed so much and I’m in a better place now. I was such a whiner. I still am, but to a much more manageable degree. Back then, though, I was a master at it. And I put it all in my blog for everyone to see, projecting all my negative energy and thinking I was so profound and deep.

I came across this blog entry and I was quite shocked. As of today, I’m not that much different from before, I guess. It is just that I am in a better place right now. This was written in August 26, 2005. (Geez, I didn’t even notice the date until I checked it just right now as I’m typing this) What an auspicious date! August 25, 2005. Who knew that three years later, to the day of this blog entry, I would discover I was HIV positive? Goodness knows that the person who wrote that particular blog entry, a good seven years ago, didn’t know he could probably contract the disease. Hindsight just shows how little I knew about what was going on around me.

And there I was trying to sound deep and profound. Even the way I romanticized the mist, using it as some sort of metaphor about how much I didn’t know. There was so much I didn’t know.

This is the blog entry, with all the lapses of grammar and mistakes in spelling, copied as is (with one or two corrections for clarity):

Holly Palmer from Just So You Know (written by Holly Palmer, Bob Khaleel, Guy Erez, Emerson Swinford)
`Cause we could really take our time
We could really get our shapes just right

Another night given to the my work. I was up all night finishing scripts until my head just blanked and I had to work on a little fantasy scenario in my head just so that I can re-focus. Now, I’ve finished the scripts for a side project and I can now go back to finishing the last scripts needed from me and I’m gone. I’m thinking of sleeping here in the office because I have an early morning shoot tomorrow and if my whole body clock is fucked up there’s no way I’m going to make it there in time so I might as well sleep over here.

Company had an outing; mostly everyone is off in Tagaytay cavorting, no doubt and enjoying themselves. I had every intention of going there and frolicking amongst the grandness of nature and the company of good people but the workload got to me. If I didn’t allow myself to zone out and finished all my responsibilities at the right time, I would have been able to go but then, I would have found a corner and just fallen asleep. That ain’t much fun.

Tagaytay. I’ve never been there during August when the weather is like this. Everyone said it is really cold there, maybe even misty. I could have been covered in fog and it would have been amazing to just get lost in it. That’s not something that happens everyday. I wake up to see the city covered in smog, but that’s something else entirely.

I remember I was in Tagaytay in February once. I was just with friends and we were there on an overnight. They had asked me to come and no expenses needed. I should just go so I did. I had much fun then but I also had issues regarding somebody and it plagued me throughout the trip. But what I do remember was the mist in the morning. I had stayed up all night until it was just two of us left, me and another friend. My friend was on his nth bottle of beer and I was just winding down from a tab of ecstasy when the porch at the back of the house was surrounded by fog. I joined my friend in the porch, lighting a cigarette and I could no longer see the hills, the mountains, the trees and the grass. I couldn’t see the Cable Car at all. Everything vanished like a painter just splashed white paint on his canvass, covering everything that was there before in white. The cool moisture from the air rested on my nose. I stood beside him and we were silent. I finished my cigarette and began cleaning up. I was almost done when he noticed and groggily said not to clean up. I just smiled at him.When did I ever not clean up?

He smiled back and looked out into the whiteness. I wonder what he saw. For a while I thought I had it all figured out but a year later things didn’t turn out well for that group. This was a while back; back in my wild days, a starving freelance writer who enjoyed life a little too fully. As full as those white mists in Tagaytay on February early mornings. I remember climbing up the stairs and falling on the last of the available beds. The other three beds were occupied by my other friends. Two of them were snoring noisily and the other had covered his face with his pillow.

It took me a while before I fell asleep. My eyes closed, I could only see black but I had wondered if the whiteness had begun creeping in for I left the door to the porch wide open. When I awoke a few hours later, my friend had crept back in to as far as the living room where he had fallen asleep on the couch with an empty beer bottle right beside his head. There was no trace of mist that noon and the trees and the grass and the mountains and the hills had returned to view. Every so often, the Cable Car would make its sojourn from one station to the next.

I could’ve come back to all of that today. But instead I decided to give my mind a rest for a few hours and zoned out completely and lived in the possibilities of what ifs. When I returned to work, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to follow. I write fast but I don’t write that fast. But it is important for me to get things right.

I’m trying to get my shape right. I have been un-proportioned, as of late. Not sleeping won’t help but I’d rather go home and rest on my own bed. These days will be remembered, that’s for sure. If anything, it builds character, it toughens the spirit and you learn. You learn how far you can go and how much you value things. This is important to me. All of this — what I’m doing, what I’m learning, the foundation I’m laying down. It won’t disappear when I close my eyes and see the black. It will remain steadfast and solid when the white comes to obscure it from view.


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