out of sorts

It has been awhile since I last put an entry. Not sleeping well. I got a lot on my mind. I’m waiting for some news that will dictate the rest of my life, or at least the next three years. So I’m, like, in stasis right now and I never liked stasis. I’d rather be taking steps backwards than not moving at all. I’d rather be going forward but I don’t want to stop. Ever.

I have nothing to complain about, especially after the tragedy of Typhoon Sendong and all of its victims. I even saw these documentaries by The Vice Guide to Travel. It’s pretty awesome and eye-opening. The documentaries were about Liberia and North Korea. I was floored by what I saw in these documentaries. If you go and try to find them, know that the Liberia documentary is really gruesome and scary. The North Korea documentary is just as scary but in a very different way.

These things have really affected me in such a way that I’m frightened. I’m frightened about the world and what is to come. I’m happy to be in it. I’m happy to be one of the ones blessed and fortunate enough to have no complaints in life. I won’t be ungracious about that. But the road ahead is scary. I don’t know how I’m going to deal if I have to deal with any of it.

Me at the wedding (photos by Lance Salvosa)

On the flip side, I was able to attend a gorgeous wedding of a good friend of mine. DC has been a friend since my college days and it is really wonderful seeing him so happy getting married to a gorgeous, wonderful girl. Since we are college friends, the people I was hanging out with were all people I met during college and the nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks. I hitched a ride with my friend Lance and since I knew he always had weird or crappy CDs in his car, I brought a pack of CDs I left here in Manila filled with CDs that I burnt back when we bothered to burn one. These were my old collection back in the early 2000s and was filled with all these old songs. Getting to the wedding and then going home, we were filled with music from our youth which, if you think about it, was a whole decade ago.

How things have changed. I can actually say that: “Ten years ago.” But some things haven’t changed. As the music shot out from the speakers, I was again hit by this strange sense of nostalgia. Gorgeous songs I haven’t heard in a long while, a good ten years, and I still sang along, still remembering the lyrics as if it were yesterday. They hit me stronger now than they did then because, since I’m older, I understood them in a different way.

One of the songs that really hit me hard was “Good Mother” by Jann Arden. Gorgeous song then, even more gorgeous now.

It’s a weird mood to be in.

And I’ve been struggling with a heavy sense of loneliness. I know I’m never going to be lonely. Family and friends surround me with love all the time. But I’m missing the romance. I’m missing physical intimacy. I go nuts watching romantic comedies, or any movie or television show with a little bit of romance in it. I just start shrieking like a girl. I’ve got all these thoughts in my head and I feel like I’m going nuts. I’ve delicately prepared fantasies that I play out and I’d rather do that than doing anything else these days. I wish the longing disappears soon because it’s taking over. I don’t want it to take over.

So it’s been a rocky start for me in 2012. I should be happy. I guess it’s a body chemistry thing. I ran out of happy hormones during the holidays because I was really happy. It was coming out of my pores. It was so easy to just be light and easy and to make jokes. Now, I have to work on it. I fail a lot. Thank God my family and friends humour me and still respond.

But I don’t want to be like this. I’m a tangled mess but I just have to remember a Stephen Sondheim quote from Into the Woods: “All knots were once a straight rope.” Something like that. I can get untangled.


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